it’s 12 am again
i’ve lived throug 19!-!:! and a half years of different 12 ams
some were lonely
some were not
some where happy
most were not
some were drunk
most were sober
some were sleeping
most we’re phoned

i cant remember myself anymore i can’t remember my laugh. Ivcan hear it and i can feel it in my throat. but I can’t remember myself laughing. I can’t feel it in my heart anymore. i remember curling up in my bed. I remember my bed being full of a body but empty of my own

i remember your hands all over me I remember you pulling on me and my face and lips and tugging down my Jeans and pulling off my panties

i remember you biting my mouth so hard I tastes blood. I remember the scratches on my skin and the black eyes and the counselor sitting me down and asking is everything okay at home

I remember. week of an empty house. an empty house with nobody to clean me up and put me to bed

I remember an empty house with nobody to turn off the bath water or nobody to press down on my wrists. I remember counting nineteen pills on the floor and twelve more in my throat

I remember the phone call telling me you’re dead
that you did the exact thing I promised I wouldn’t

I remember dreaming of a tree with my big brother laced from it rocking back and forth the way my brain seemed to jinside my head

i remember his hands around my neck and my own lips forming around words begging for a chance to breathe
I remember flinching beneath your palm and feeling my heart slam against my chest when you said my name

I rember the things your friends called me as I drove home from his funeral planning my own

I remember a summer so perfect
I remember it being a blur

I remember arms wrapped around me and a phone call to make sure I was breathing

I remember hanging on another day for someone not me

I remember the past two years wondering how much I’ve cried
how many times I’ve passed a water tower
imagining how many I could fill with my own soul

i remember the scars on my wrists and my thighs
tally marks of how far I’ve come
or how close I’ve gotten

I remember drowning out everything I’ve felt with vodka and whiskeu

present tense
I am begged than I have been in 2 years. drunk and cold and crushed by this weight on my shoulders

how can i remember all of that
but forget my own laugh